No Rest For The Weary

As hard as I try, it’s becoming more and more difficult for me to be my usual lively, upbeat self.

The reality of the situation is I’m stressed and running myself into the ground with the workload I voluntarily took on.

I’m killing myself at the paper because I don’t trust the people I work with. I’m determined to make The A&T Register better than other black schools by doing things that other black schools don’t do (adding sections, providing online features, taking chances with layout designs.) I don’t know if it’s me being a control freak or me really not believing in the abilities of my peers.

The funny thing is, it’s only like this at the paper. In the TV studio, I’m fine with depending on others to show me things and ask them for their opinion on things because I feel like they are as talented as me and in most cases better. At the radio station, I feel like I’m on a level playing field in terms of ability but in the newsroom I feel like I’m surrounded by people that either don’t care, don’t want to put in the time and effort it takes to put out quality material or they just don’t have a passion for what they are doing.

I have a passion for journalism, period.

I love the print side because I love being the one to tell the story, I love seeing people read and remark. Nothing makes me happier than to see someone who’s just trying to kill time sit in the lobby of NCB and grab a newspaper, that, and awards, are what keep me going at the paper.

I enjoy seeing the paper move forward without forgetting it’s past. But most days, I feel like I’m the only one who cares. I can’t sleep some nights because I have to get up and write down these designs or story ideas that are in my head and I think I’m the only one like that and like anyone who knows me has heard, this isn’t even my concentration.

Just this week I got out of a night class and instead of going home, I came to the office and worked on perfecting a new layout idea, I mean down to the percentage of pica, I was on a mission to make our paper standout.

I have a passion for what I do at the television studio and at the radio station. The work ethic, the grind, the hustle that I see in the people at those places is what keeps me going. I have to keep up over there!

Everyday people are trying to make moves. Shoot this scene, produce this show, come up with new ideas. I love the creativity. I don’t see that same creativity at the newspaper and maybe that’s because it is a newspaper and these are print majors, which for the most part means they are usually stale and stuck in their ways (no offense but I think you get what I'm saying). It’s one thing to be traditional in your approach, it’s another thing to let being traditional kill you off.

The people in electronic media and broadcast production are characters. In the Avid labs alone you got Twon with his pocket T-shirts and jokes, John Holland with Green Bench and his professionalism, Bobby always on his grind, hustling to get things done and trying to make moves, James is always doing the little things to make a project perfect and of course the handshake (That joint is hot!). They get their work done and still manage to keep the environment loose and comfortable.

It used to be like that at the paper. I used to look forward to going to the office after class my freshmen and sophomore year, to hear what Brett was ranting on that day, Mike and E arguing or what so and so did when they were drunk. The only person I really have fun with at work now is Capers (WTF, que? and other inside jokes.) I love Michele and talk to her too, but the rest of the staff (and contributors around campus) are scared to approach her. I don’t know if it’s the New York attitude that throws them or her track record for crushing people’s days but for Christ’s sake she’s 4’11 and under 100 pounds!

I care deeply for The A&T Register but I don’t really care for all the people there. Unlike past years when I was sad to see the senior class leave and a new batch of people come in, this year I’ve been counting down to August 2007 since November 2006. I’ve spilled my guts on what a good editor is, how we should all have someone under our wing to replace us and leaving A&T better than it was when we got here and I keep saying next year this and next year that but it’s really like, well what if it doesn’t go how I planned for next year?

Most of the things that stressing me now are things I put on myself.

I don’t get paid to gather stories and lay out Arts & Life. I don’t get paid to try and convince every businessman I meet that they need to advertise with us. I don’t get paid to stay in the office until 1 am when I have class at 9 the next morning, just to make sure that our stories and standings are up to date in the Sports section, but if I don’t who will? I can’t trust my co-sports editor to layout one page with two ads or give me a relevant feature story, how can I trust him with something bigger than that?

I can’t rest because if I do we are taking two steps back instead one step forward. We are being complacent with the product we have (which is mediocre at BEST) and we are settling for doing the “best” we can do as a black school and with a limited budget. I hate excuses and won’t make any for why we can’t be all we’re hyped up to be.

I’ve thought about quitting, but who would I be if I said something was too much. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from my father, a man who never went to college, worked hard all his life, handled his responsibilities and put a wife and two kids through college is quitting proves nothing. It solves nothing and in the end I think, he could have quit on me, my brother or my mother but he didn’t. He was handed a full plate and he ate all of it.

A&T has the resources to do something special and we are at the right place at the right time to do something special. That’s why I’m get excited to go to work every morning, even though I’ve barely slept four hours, that’s why I work hard to make sure my radio show is hot, the newspaper is bangin’ and that everything I do with the TV studio is solid.

I’ve told many people this and I’m serious, I want to be one of those notable alumni one day. I want to have a building or dorm named after me, I want someone to say they came here because Mike McCray went here. I want professors to tell their classes about me when I’m successful, tell them how much I did, how I balanced it all and how I made it after college.

There are a select few here at A&T that are seriously trying to make moves. They aren’t just talking about being the next Oprah or Bill Gates but they have their ass in a studio somewhere shooting that exclusive interview or in a lab designing the next big thing and from this point on I’m officially cutting off anybody that’s not about their business.

I talk all day, I plan on talking for a living and believe me when I tell you that talk is cheap.

I don’t want to hear about what you want to do or what you’re trying to do. Do it, then get at me. I’m not putting you on at the radio station or newspaper if I tried to put you on freshmen and sophomore year and you didn’t want to hear it.

It’s amazing to me how people want to get on when it’s time to graduate and that portfolio is kinda empty.

I’m no longer putting myself out there to be used for someone else to get in easy because I’ve worked too hard for this and in the end I’ll reap the benefits. I can’t allow someone to just slide in on my name and no work of their own. Black people depend too much on hook-ups and I can tell you now, Mike ain’t the one to call anymore.

Don’t think I haven’t thought about what I’m sacrificing for everything I do. I think about the relationships I could have, and the opportunities I’ve missed out on because I was working or too tired. I don’t want to be that person who buries themselves in work until they don’t even have time to think about anything but the project their on and the project after that but the truth is I’m already on that path.

I don’t sleep, I don’t eat and I don’t have a chance to take care of some of my other quality of life needs. When I come home at night, I pass out from mental and physical exhaustion or lay up all night mapping out my next move or thinking about work, so there really is no rest for the weary and as much as I hate how I feel right now, as much as I hate damn near coming to tears talking about how tired and stressed I am whenever my moms asks something as simple as how I'm doing up here, I know that in the end I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Stressed but Blessed
Big Mike