40 of My Flaws...

Ok so I've really been thinking about stuff because its 2am and that's usually what I do when I'm up around this time. Tonight my thoughts have been about my flaws, nobody likes to admit it but perfection is not an option unless you're Jesus Christ (Big shouts to the big homie on high) anyway, I present to you...MY FLAWS
1. I'm very picky. I can sometimes be shallow too but I like to think me being picky only means I want the best
2. I can be an asshole sometimes. I think I'm pretty good 6 days out of the week but its always one day where I'm like JUST SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP BRUH
3. I'm fat (they call me Big Mike for a reason)
4. I can't drive. I don't have a driver's license and when I get one (soon trust me) I doubt I'll have a desire to drive anywhere.
5. I think I'm better than some people. Sorry I have a lot of self-confidence.
6. I have to have the last word and I think I'm always right and when people prove me wrong I usually say "I don't really care, its not that serious" when I actually hate to be wrong.
7. I'm messy. I rarely clean my room, sweep, wash dishes or take out the trash, which is kind of trifling now that I think about it but it usually gets handled by somebody and when it doesn't I...buy paper plates (when all the real plates are in the sink)...get another trash bag and put it next to the garbage can (when the trash is full) BUT I do clean the bathroom, something about that space can't be dirty.
8. I talk shit...A LOT OF IT! Just read my articles, listen to my broadcast or talk to me in person and you can probably tell
9. I refuse to date a big girl. Goes back to being shallow, its sad I try to justify it by saying big+big=negative but really its just because I haven't found any I met to be attractive.
10. I think I'm the best at everything and don't like doing things I'm not good at
11. I'm naive enough to believe that every girl I meet is a virgin, unless I personally know or have heard otherwise.
12. I don't go to church like I used to.
13. I play dumb when I don't feel like helping people.
14. I'm pigeon-toed (is that really a flaw though?)
15. I'm different around different people. You talk to 5 people you might get 5 different Mike's and sadly that's being myself. I like being able to be in different modes.
16. I can be lazy.
17. I don't like sharing.
18. I'm scared to rent my apartment out for the summer this year not because I don't feel like moving my stuff but I'm worried a stranger will "fuck" in my bed.
19. I like Harry Potter movies and watched Laguna Beach
20. I can curse a lot depending on my mood
21. I really like clowning people.
22. I secretly hope little kids that run around trip and fall in the mall.
23. When people start speaking Spanish I've said "I'm sorry but I don't speak cleaning lady" and "I don't see a Lupe/Pedro/Consuela/Guala Guala around here"
24. I never tell people I like that I like them (I beat around the bush sorry)
25. I'm so naive, that unless a girl is like butt naked in my bed I can barely tell when they are flirting
26. I can't fight. I haven't been in a fight since 2nd grade so my hands are untested.
27. I have terrible timing with telling people what I really think about them.
28. I don't rep Charlotte like I did freshmen year because I don't sag to the floor, wear Girbauds, say my nigga every other word and I hate the negative conotation it has at A&T but I can't deny my roots ya know.
29. I wish I had white friends just to be around something other than black people for the first time since 1999-2000 at Piedmont.
30. I watch porn in my spare time, not because I'm horny but I think it's funny (tell me those facial expressions aren't hilarious)
31. I have actually acted like I didn't know or didn't see people that I knew and just didn't want to talk to.
32. I download movies and music (I usually go see the movie and buy the CD but I'm sure somewhere down the line it's wrong)
33. I was on like 3 campaign teams freshmen year, 2 people were running for the same thing and didn't even cast 1 vote.
34. I hate people I don't know calling me BIG MIKE yet it's my name on Facebook and MySpace
35. I used to be scared of the dark in elementary school
36. I don't hold grudges but I hate when people who picked on me or didn't talk to me in my lamer days (because I'm pretty lame now) ask me for anything or try and talk to me.
37. I hold ideas for myself at the paper, just so nobody else can win an award for something I wanted to do (very shallow)
38. Seeing couples makes me sick but I want to be one of those couples bad (lol everybody needs love)
39. I'm well spoken and seem well read but in actuality I've only FINISHED like 3-4 books in my entire life...most of everything I know I learned from the internet or TV.
40. I've denied or rejected female friend request because their picture was ugly or I didn't like SOMETHING on their profile and I do research like looking at pictures other people tagged to see if they were putting a good one up or they look like that everyday

That's a lot of stuff and lot of flaws but trust me I'm sure there is more. I want to thank everybody who is still cool with me, love me or associate with me even with ALL MY FLAWS, I love yall and please feel free to add some of the one's I left off (Looking forward to seeing this)

Life. Success. Death...encounters with three old friends

So last week I three very different experiences with three people from my childhood.

The first friend I’ve known since she was born. We grew up together for the greater part of our lives but she moved away when I got to high school and I haven’t seen her since my freshmen year of college. Last week I found out that this friend was pregnant. Shocking but not really. I mean I’ve really been desensitized to a lot of things and girls getting pregnant are one of them. She hasn’t been to Charlotte in years and I don’t talk to any of our mutual acquaintances from the past but it was burning me on the inside not to tell. I had just seen her parents for the first time in years the week before that as they made a “special appearance” in Charlotte and its just so crazy to see that they too were in on the “cover up” I guess you could call it. I guess that gets me is it seems like not long ago we going here and there and drawing in church now she’s pregnant and married and I’m well, doing what I do.

Friend two was a dude I used to play football and basketball with at the YMCA when I was real young. Now he’s a Carolina grad, pledged up there, doing his thing in the real world and he made me think that so many of the people I knew as kids are kind of what you expected them to be. Nobody really broke the mold; the people that were hood when we were younger do hood shit now. The girls that were fast got kids, the kids that were kind of geeky are pretty successful and take me, I talked all the time and now I get paid to do just that.

Friend three died a couple weeks ago in a car accident. We grew up more or less being brother and sister because of how close our mothers were but like the other friends in this story, the families grew apart or moved on. I’ll never forget that she was the first girl I ever kissed (I was like 7-8 and pullin’ em back in the day) the funny thing about this situation is that I got the news and I wasn’t phased. I was walking to class when my moms called me and I kind of took the news like Damn…that’s crazy but I wasn’t hurt, I wasn’t grieving, I wasn’t shocked, its like I’ve been desensitized to everything. I don’t feel like I go through the “proper” set of emotions when I get bad news. I didn’t go to the funeral because it just felt like man I haven’t seen her in so long, spoken to here family in so long, it would just be awkward to be around them while they were grieving. I forced myself to believe that my presence at the service would only make her parents think back to the days where me and her would hide under beds and in closets and play tag to play of flirting. I was on MySpace later that day and saw her picture everywhere and it was so funny to see all these new faces attached to her. I was happy to see she was pretty and popular and that her life had touched so many other lives. Rest In Peace Gab!

My uncle died a couple years back, I was playing Madden when my moms told me. This was my favorite uncle but I still had to fight the urge to unpause the game and keep playing because I knew it was poor timing to do that while my moms was clearly hurt. I don’t know what it is with me. I can’t cry at funerals, I don’t see the good it does. I’m able to internalize my emotions. I never been the type to hover over the casket at funerals but its like all I wanted to do was see his face one more time and I had closure.

I’m worried that I will be going good one day and just breakdown from all the stuff I’ve managed to forget about. I learned a long time ago that a “good cry” could make things a lot better and give you a new sense of clarity on things. I don’t think I’ve had a “good cry” since 2002-2003 maybe. I haven’t broke down since I got to college, something in my psyche won’t let me.

I see myself as a leader ya know. Leaders can’t let their emotions get the best of them. Can’t let their followers see a chink in their armor. I get that from my pops. I’ve never seen him cry. I’ve never seen him emotional. He is the epitome of the strong silent type and that makes me wonder where he puts it all. He more or less saw his pops die when he was 9. He is the youngest out of all his brothers and sisters but the most responsible by far. I mean its crazy to see how he turned out and how he could have turned out. Basically, when shit hits the fan, they turn to him but any other time he gets the little brother treatment and he’s in his 40s. That’s crazy to me.

Back to the original thought. Life, success and death are three stages of life that I see myself going through. Life is your struggles, your climb to the top, it’s what makes your success story a success story. Once you get your success, you enjoy the spoils of all the hard work and LIFE you had to go through to get there. Success is the good LIFE. Finally, you die. It’s inevitable, but what you do in those stages make the difference on you being just another footnote in the history of the world or a headline. I'm dealing with life right now but trust me, I'll be a headline.